Beautiful Disaster.

there seem to be so much more girls than guys in singapore. you can't even find a proper decent guy that does gentlemanly stuff anymore. hah the guys at the bus stop practically chiong up and worse still they stink.

hearing about the weird things guys do and say to my friends, i'm getting increasingly depressed and worried. will i be able to find a nice guy to spend my life with ?? haha

maybe i should just find a handsome bung or something. hmmm. she'll probably know how to treat me better lolx

to all the guys out there !! do buck up !! don't disappoint me and discourage me from searching for true love

and anD aND AND !! i'm sick of fakers who keep things from me. who cares if you have finished studying or anything. i don't believe a word that you say. and thats a bad thing because i usually give people the benefit of the doubt. hmmm whats there to hide from the world ? no one is prefect. i don't aspire to be.

blah and i'm getting increasingly irritated with the people around me. maybe i'm just abnormal but i wish i could just be how i used to be again because these few days i seem to have found how to laugh. my laughing cells have been regenerated !! aah haha. i am a successful alchemist. be nice to me or you'll wake up looking strange.

shoE was here with you at 11:23 PM .

i have no thoughts today

shoE was here with you at 1:41 AM .

i helped an old lady at my estate carry her stuff home today. what a nice kid i am. its like 5 am and my com sucks and there's like two tests tomorrow. i'm so screwed. i'm such a lazy ass. i slept at 830. was too depressed with the damn examiner for shaking his head like a lousy arse. how horrible. it either means i talked way out of point. because they asked me lots of questions. or it means his neck just hurt and was trying to stretch it.. damn damn damn. so horrible i almost cried.

shoE was here with you at 5:01 AM .

maybe its the way we are brought up. yes i think it must be. thats why some people just can't tell other people how they feel.

you can't tell the girl you miss that you miss her because you're hurting inside although you want to because fear holds you back

you can't tell the guy that you miss that you meet him because the guy should be the one to make the first move. bah. what nonsense right. its just the way we're brought up right

its just the asian culture or whatever they make us believe. we run away from our feelings. if i could, i'd tell everyone how much i love them. tell the guy i like that i'm interested. tell someone that i've made a mistake. announce that i'm not a lesbian. haha. i'd tell people in their face not to irritate me

i'd take responsibility for my feelings. blah. things are just weird. guys are just a weird bunch. somehow i think i'll never understand why their can be so chauvinistic or domineering or bossy and stuff haha. told you guys are weird.

hmmm. i was dreaming that in ten years time, a guy i've known for like all my life will tell me that he's loved me since like forever. haha. very amusing right. i'm just hoping this doesn't happen because things will be so hard. boo.

shoE was here with you at 10:45 PM .

my my my. i'm getting old !! arica save me !! i feel so young again because i can laugh non stop and not worry about studying when i am out. but then now i'm home again and i need to worry about studying for chem practical. and my oral is on tuesday. my life is a never ending stream of studying. boo. i shall go study some more before i enter dream land once again

i think i'm really very forgetful although i'm still SO YOUNG> i can't remember what i wanted to blog about although i seriously thought of a great plan on what to blog. but now i can't remember it. bah. what nonsense. this sucks

sighs i hate this life. and i'm looking forward to the weekends because i can study oh so much more. biology is bad for health and physics blows my brains away. whats new

shoE was here with you at 10:41 PM .

i'm drinking horlicks now. it has FIGHTAMINS ! i wonder what they really do. oh well sometimes i wonder if i'm normal. why can't i be either really really stupid or really logical and type such fascinating posts that leave people pondering about what i blogged about. but i don't gain much enlightenment from what i post so i think my blog is just a waste of time. i'm happy when i look at my exciting orange paul frank blog but i just wonder if i'm wasting my time. bah. yes its an outlet for me to express my opinions and thoughts and its much neater than my fugly handwriting. i have a diary too you know to write in when my lazy fingers are sore from doing all those stupid maths papers. it seems never ending, like i'm continuing to drown in this big pool of e.maths and a.maths papers that the teachers continuosly dump on us. i can't seem to finish and now i don't even know when mr tay is going to start going through the papers. spare me. i need to study other things to. its barely a month to the prelims and now i'm panicking. why didn't i wake up those silly ideas and start studying like i planned to two months ago.

well i didn't accomplish many things i planned to these past few months. and now i feel like such a bum because everyone is so goddamned reed thin and i'm fat and chun lei and xiao wei are comparing the thickness of their thighs. haha

i admit it. i'm jealous of skinny people because i'm not but i won't let it get me down because i have a love-me personality that will win me all the friends in the world . lolx

i think about the choices i've made in life and lots of them were mistakes. how i shouldn't let people go. shouldn't let people step all over me. i shouldn't be choosing to let people have their way. sometimes i just let them be because its their life, not mine. and sometimes i get irritated afterwards. hmmm. if only i was more outspoken. i think i am but not in the way that i'd speak out that what other people are doing is wrong. its quite complicated to explain.

and also i wonder why i find it my responsibility to go for tuition. is it because we actually pay fees to attend the class ?? or a sense of i-don't-know-what. i'm quite sure i wouldn't choose to go watch fireworks over attending tuition. maybe because its a.maths and i like a.maths or maybe its because i'm hoping something miraculous will happen that makes class for that day special.

i have this horoscope book that i read every night before i sleep. it tells the horoscope for each day. hmm. you know like if i read that something special will happen the next day and that i should be extra observant, then i go to bed with an excited feeling. and the whole day i'll have the tingling feeling inside. lolx. maybe i'd help an old woman cross the road or meet a handsome guy haha. i'm just such a sucker for lies.

anyway its like 1 am and my sister and my mom aren't back from mustaffa with my pens yet so how am i going to do my work. . X(

shoE was here with you at 12:47 AM .

today was a good day. i finished the damn acsi paper and started on the scgs paper. then i finished studying green revolution and market gardening. haha. ok thats not alot and i finished the nanyang paper which is OH SO DIFFICULT. and i completed the whole paper during tuition today. it was like adrenaline pumping all through my body because pamela was doing so quickly. i think the class just gets me in the mood. and that guy joined back our class i think. hmmm. after class i stayed back to ask mr khor about relative velocity then he was going to ask him something after me. and his friend was waiting outside the class. so amusing.

we wanted to go study in orchard library as we have been doing for the past three weeks. but people are apparently starting to realise the exams are nearing so they have decided to come study in orchard library too. bah and they are taking up our seats so trix and i studied in yoshinoya instead. it was filled with music, noise, smells, you name it, they have it. and its so distracting because people keep walking about and you can see the people walking outside the shop. brrr. anyway as i expected, that shane and henryk were studying there AGAIN. hoho. but they have scary eyes. ok maybe people would describe it as sexy and soulful lolx, but they are quite scary. to me that is. haha. next week i will station myself outside the library and chope seats immediately when the place opens. all those people who are stealing our places there can DIE !!... like @/!>,# poo

i'm going out with ARICA tomorrow !!! whoopie !! so fun. lucky her curfew is like 6 so means we won't be going out for THAT long. yes. thats good. so my dad won't scream at me.

oooh and today those bozos were relatively quiet. which is a LARGE improvement from last week. i think its because we were actually doing an EXAM PAPER. and mf khor was sort of pacing us to like which question we should be at. i think i write very fast and my words and numbers are so huge so everything looks so messy and garish. kiddy handwriting sucks lar

shoE was here with you at 12:21 AM .

i'm in love with the fireworks !! they are so preety !! yes yes and ah the feeling is just indescribable. like you know its so romantic and everything. hmmm nevermind one day i will watch the fireworks with someone special. haha

yesterday we had so much fun in marina !! fadhli and i were like trying to act tai tai and use the umbrella to block out the sun. whee it was just fun

then we went to this auto show thing that featured all the surround system stuff you can install in your car boot. haha who would want to drive around a disco ?? hmmm. it was so LOUD i tell you my ears almost burst lolx. i was so relieved when we left. anyway, we were watching the parade at marina and we sat like right in front of the big screen in the middle. like what typical kiasu singaporeans man haha. the screen was like so big. wow. if i had to watch that everyday, i's become seriously miopic lolx

oh well. i have a test tomorrow so i shall go study and like stop thinking about that person because its like wasting my time. three more days till SATURDAY !! TRIXIE !! we must pray that shane and HENRYK go and study again ok. studying is so much more fun with eye candy around !! yes !! and arica !! sunday is coming !! whoo hoo..

boo. STUDY STUDY STUDY !! got to study MORE AND MORE ! yes and whoosh off i go again to continue studying for the physics test ! hmmm. i can't wait till saturday, and yes there is a outram secondary school.

shoE was here with you at 4:18 PM .

i think too much in a day, which kill my brain cells and that makes me forget what i thought about like five hours ago. hmmm/ bad memory. getting old ?

i only remember one thought out of like tonnes of them and here's the one i remembered

i was thinking about how young people who are full of promise and vitality can die at a young age before they have completed great works and changed the world. YOu know how people always say its such a pity because something bad befalls them which ruins their life forever because of a silly little mistake. Like for example a young woman who has a successful career and has been busy climbing the corporate ladder goes to a pub and gets drunk then raped, later she gets pregnant and that changes her life forever. See maybe she shouldn't have been studying so hard when she was younger and should have tried to relax more and learn how to defend herself and stuff like that. at least that would have helped her in a dangerous situation. hmmm. ok maybe thats not so realistic but things like that do happen. OR like a little kid who drowns in the swimming pool. They always say GOD has planned our life for us, and that everything in life happens for a reason.

Was the reason for us to change our life ?? or to let us realise something ? but what if in the extreme case where death is involved, then should we be considering that things that happen to other people happen to make other people REALISE things. Disasters, mishaps and all sorts of bad things that happen to other people just sometimes go unnoticed by us. But if we really sat down to think about how fast the world is changing, and how we should live our life to the fullest, then we'd live much more stress-less lives.

In conclusion, we shouldn't waste our youth learning weird stuff like differentiation and integration. I guess relative velocity is pretty useful in life, but other things are really quite a waste of time. MAybe they should things like how to create a good working environment or how to motivate ourselves, or how we should have good moral values, and be enthusiastic about little things because it makes the most boring and tedious tasks exciting. OK i guess not everyone can learn this kind of stuff, if not the world would be such a wonderful place. And people don't really want to accept this kind of world because the rich like to feel superior and like they know more. And graduates feel a sense of satisfaction of getting a degree, knowing that they can specialise in something.

ah. i sound like i'm autistic or something, but its probably because i'm reading or something like that. its quite interesting. i like the way he writes, like everything is so plain and simple. if only life was like that

bah. some people just spoil my night. why do people like to back out at the last minute??? i guess staying angry is a waste of my time so i shan't rant on about trivial matters

i really think my fringe sucks. i look more and more like a bowl and brenda continuosly tells me i look better with my fringe pinned up. hmmm. i shall find a nice way to pin it. i swear i will go to a high class place to cut my hair next time and the next time i look for the hairdresser called "yours sincerely"-me i will remember to trixie so that she can discourage me from doing so. KEEP THE SCISSORS AWAY FROM ME !!

today was also a confusing day because i think i'm going to get a single digit on the organic chem test. I also think that i'm a weird kid. I also think that i talk too much sometimes. I also think i think too much. which makes me very tired. i shall just try to shut down

oh and i have selective hearing. selective hearing is not selection like we learn in bio brenda !! thats selection lolx. but nvm you said i'm pretty apart from the eeyuck hair. lolx

huimin and i swept the floor today, so tomorrow i will be in a dust free classroom which will not promote the growth of harmful bacteria which will work to worsen my cough.

you can see that i am trying to type in very good english. This is to largely improve my spelling and grammatical errors. yes. so bear with me till the end of the O's. you can also see that this is a very long post which i am typing now which is making me miss 'LOST' .. haha. hope you had fun reading my super looOOnng post

shoE was here with you at 10:17 PM .

some people are just a bit weird. its so obvious you come a searching for evidence to prove you are right. but it just proves how cowardly you are. Oh well. if people can dare to do it in public, in full view of the rest of the population, you should dare to admit to it and not be afraid that people will gossip about you. hah

that sounds depressing. anyway. i was just thinking how people get forced into doing things they don't like. i just feel so sad thinking about it. today's qiusi's birthday ! and she was telling me about how she sort of got forced to join CLDDS. and i think its so unfair to tell someone you can't join a cca just because they don't think you can cope. they don't even give you a chance. hmmph.

i was reminded of how it felt like to feel left out and abandoned last time. i always tell myself that its not a nice feeling and if i can, i'd never make anyone feel that way. blah. but inevitably, today i felt like i was leaving qiusi out because the four of us were coloring the numbers while she didn't do anything. but there were only four numbers to color. so what was i supposed to do ?

shoE was here with you at 9:48 PM .