YSunday, December 04, 2005
how is it that someone does things to make u like him. yet u can't be with him for some silly reason. and your good friend now tells you he sort of has feelings for you. somehow everyone's in one big mess. theres so many thoughts in my head that i can't pen down. my heart is like all over the place. aah. i just don't want to get my feelings hurt. so i hope people won't tell me things they don't mean. don't tell me u miss me if you don't and don't tell me things that you shouldn't be telling me. i don't want to be cheated. i don't want my heart broken but i'm a girl and the inevitable will always happen. i have a fragile heart too and as strong as i'd like to be, i'm vulnerable too. my heart can't take too many things at one time. oh well. today i went to church for the first time. at city harvest. it was cool. like one big concert. hmmm. somewhere along the way. i felt something. somewhere where the woman was giving her testimony and how i connected to it. and somewhere along where the pastor was talking and i felt like i could relate to stuff. not everything but some stuff. sighs. i went to eat supper with shahir and reached home late. just didn't feel like going home yet. just wanted to prevent myself from having to think about stuff. thinking about how screwed up my lfe is. i know its not what life wants from me but what i want from life and i just feel like my whole life is one big trial. all the time . one after another i always feel so carefree when i'm out. even if i'm alone. but once i'm at home, lying between the sheets going to bed. everything creeps up on me and my nights are filled with all my troubles. most people don't know it. yeesh. feeling damn shit now. so many things happening at the same time. hmmm i came home and was telling my parents about my experience and how i suddenly felt like a part of me was being slowly filled up. how i just felt a great love for me. but as usual my parents are like weird. i thought my mom would be supportive cos she converted to be a christian. but she was in like another of her crazy angry moods and just didn't say anything. and like my dad was just being a nag again. why can't my parents just understand that i don't need all their rubbish and their views. why can't they just let me choose for myself. why can't they just try to understand what i'm going through. they think they know whats best but maybe they don't. sighs again. why can't they stay quiet and let me think about things. when i'm ready to hear what they have to say i'll ask. everytime i have a problem, i want to tell them yet i know the ending will always be the same. like i don't see a point in telling them but their my parents and i just want to share my life with them. sighs. don't want to think about anything. just want to go sleep. dream a nice dream of me as a princess in a palace and glass slippers and a horse drawn carriage. lolx boo. in a perfect world. this won't be happening. in my perfect world, everyone would be perfect. whoo. kk. nitex. i'll be fine again after a nice long cry. whoo. tomorrow is a brighter day ! the sun will be shining ! don't any one worry about me ! i'll be happy tomorrow !
boo. why is my life always such a mess. i hate "what ifs" . i feel so dejavue. someone was just saying about what if. and suddenly it seems to be happening. like aah. i don't know how to describe it without being explicit.
shoE was here with you at